I think this Christmas may have been one of my worst. Yes, I was surrounded by my partner and my family, all of whom wanted to make the day perfect. I was spoilt with presents but still I was not happy. A day or two before Christmas I caught a cold only it has completely attacked my body. Where I’ve been so anxious and low lately I think this cold got the better of me.
I was struggling through on very little sleep. We changed our plans on Christmas Day to accommodate my anxiety. Whilst this worked during the day that evening I had the worst series of panic attacks I have ever had.
For around 3 hours I experienced constant waves of panic attacks. It ended with me sitting out in the garden at 2am, concentrating on a blade of grass as I did some breathing techniques.
The following day I woke up, plastered my face in make up and faked my best smile (and a filter). This picture was taken Boxing Day morning and I look at it and think you’d never know what was going on inside my head.
Usually I love Boxing Day, all my family gather at my grandparents. This year we were going out for a meal – I had my outfit planned and was excited to catch up with my cousins over a questionable gluten free vegetarian meal. I had been anxious in the lead up to the meal but I wanted to push myself. However the panic attacks that I had the previous night told me I had pushed myself enough this festive season.
I decided not to attend the meal and instead had a couple of hours of peace and quiet before seeing my family. I was upset not to go but I recognised my own limits and knew that this was not an occasion to push myself any further.
It’s been a rough few days following the Christmas period and I’m slowly trying to get myself back on track. I feel fragile and a little scared that my panic attacks have reached a new level. I won’t let it beat me though.
This post highlights the negative points throughout my Christmas but I did enjoy parts of it. I was spoilt rotten with lots of thoughtful gifts. Lots of laughs were had as we played cards against humanity – who knew my mum would be so good at it?!
My partner has half a day at work today so I’m sat waiting for him to get home. When he does we’re going to go into town – something that I’m quite scared about having spent the last two weeks indoors.
I hope this post can be helpful for anyone else that has struggled this Christmas. I keep feeling guilty about my anxiety but I have to remind myself that it’s okay to say no sometimes and it’s okay to take some time to look after yourself.
Here’s to hoping that 2019 is a more positive year.
Happy New Year!