I thought I would do a little post today to update on how my anxiety is. I would love to sit here and tell you all about how much I’ve improved and how I’ve been experiencing exciting days out without an ounce of anxiety. Incase you’re wondering, this is not the case. This week I feel like I have taken another step back. All of last week I was on edge following my partner’s accident. My mind was filled with ‘what ifs’, I also found that it brought back a lot of memories of my dad’s accident (you can read about that here – just look for February). All of this meant that I was barely sleeping and was therefore awake most of the night worrying.
Anybody who has suffered from anxiety knows that lack of sleep is your enemy. If I’m sleep deprived then almost any situation can turn into an anxious one. On Saturday the car was due to go in for a service and we had to leave the house at 9am. However, having only fallen asleep at 4am when my alarm went off 4 hours later I felt horrific. Laying in bed I knew that if I left the house I would have a huge panic. My partner was still in a lot of pain and so I felt terrible having to ask him to go without me – luckily my Grandad offered to go with him. I spent the morning chatting to my nan whilst waiting for someone to pop round to pick up some shoes that I had sold online.
I was in the comfort of my own home with my family, however the idea of someone popping over and me having to communicate with them to sell the shoes filled me with fear. The situation made me feel incredibly anxious. I knew that I was overreacting, whilst I suffer with anxiety I would not consider myself to suffer from social anxiety and so it was not the idea of meeting someone new that filled me with anxious thoughts. Exactly what made me feel so anxious I’m not sure but once the woman had been and left I felt a lot better.
That afternoon we popped out to a local village to have a little walk round. I knew that if I stayed in the house all day then I would have even less of a chance at a good night’s sleep. That night I fell asleep as 3am, which was a slight improvement. On Sunday we were suppose to be popping out with my partner’s mum to pick her phone up as it had been sent away to be fixed. Again, the idea of going out filled me with dread. I was seconds away from telling my partner to go without me. However, I knew that if he went without me I was only putting it off for another day and on that other day my anxiety would feel even worse because I’d not pushed myself on this occasion.
I used some of my Rescue Remedy and got in the car. I’d like to say that I had a lovely day and barely thought of my anxiety but that would be a lie. I had quite a bad panic attack whilst in the car but I carried on through it. Eventually the anxiety began to ebb away and I managed to enjoy brief moments of the trip out.
That evening we were suppose to be going over to my aunt and uncles for my aunt’s birthday. We were there for an hour or so but I felt terrible. My head was pounding and I felt exhausted from all the adrenaline that had been shooting around my body from my earlier panic attacks. I reached the point where I really just wanted to be home and so I explained to them how I was feeling, made my apologies and left.
Once home and with no other pressures on the day I felt much better. We made cheesy wedges and relaxed. Whilst it was a rough weekend I’m proud of myself because I didn’t back down from my anxiety and kept pushing myself. I know that had I been sleeping better I would not have felt so bad.
Fingers crossed for a better week of sleeping and anxiety! Does anyone have any tips for getting to sleep?