I have received a lot of positive feedback from talking about my anxiety so openly. It’s a daunting thing to talk about as it is something so personal. I’ve spent many years being embarrassed of it and trying to hide it but I’m fed up with doing this. Anxiety is a part of me and I am embracing that. I often talk about how my anxiety is affecting me and the negatives, however today I wanted to share with you my progress.
It wasn’t until I was lying in bed unable to sleep at 2am this morning that I realised just how much progress I had made. A few months ago I would not have been able to just lie there, almost content with the fact that I couldn’t sleep. After I had the norovirus I was in a very bad placed, both with my anxiety and with depression. During the day there were enough distractions for me to paint a smile on my face and to carry on from one task to the next until the day was over. Nighttimes were the worst, I couldn’t bare to lie there and have to confront myself. The early hours of the morning can be very lonely when you’re the only one awake and the only company you have are your own thoughts. I hated who I was and I hated the anxiety. I used numerous techniques to shut my brain off such as playing music, going downstairs and watching tv or sometimes I would just go out for a drive. However, the next evening it would all come flooding back.
Being in my own company was almost impossible for me. I dreaded being alone for too long as it forced me to see what a wreck I was. Unable to go out on my own or spend anytime by myself was further adding to my depression and anxiety.
Slowly I began to force myself to spend time on my own. I would go for a walk at lunch time and talk to my boyfriend, however some days I would leave 5 minutes early to just be by myself. Over time (and with the help of improvements in other aspects of my life) I have learnt to be happy with myself again and to spend time with myself. Now I dance for joy at the thought of having a day to myself. I still don’t go out on my own very much as I find that incredibly anxiety provoking but I will tackle it, it will just take time.
I’m not sure exactly what the point of this post was – I guess I just wanted to share my story and to show that things can improve. You just need time to heal and to push yourself into doing things you don’t want to. I’m looking forward to sharing the rest of my journey with you.