I almost decided not to do a weekend update this week. I’ve had a horrible week of feeling really depressed. From Sunday until Friday evening I didn’t leave the house. As each day passed I shrunk back into my shell even more. I was unsure how much to share with you all but I made a promise to myself when I started talking about my anxiety. I will always be open and honest so that anyone else going through it can relate.
I drafted the majority of this post on Sunday, however I knew come Monday when I was feeling a bit better I would want to edit it. I have tried to keep it much the same to ensure that it’s honest and a true reflection.
Please bear in mind that despite my rough weekend today’s post is late because I’ve been out for a lovely walk and had a really nice day. My life and my emotions are very up and down right now but I want to show that positives can follow, despite how I was feeling on Sunday.
Saturday was a day of ups and downs – mostly downs. We set off to the shops to get my boyfriend a new pair of work trousers. I was quite anxious on the journey there. Usually we avoid the shops on a Saturday, however we didn’t think it through today and it was incredibly busy. Already in an anxious mindset the crowds didn’t help. I kept getting waves of panic crashing over me until we eventually had to go home.
Once home I felt really down. I know logically that I had done really well, I had made it there and tried my best, even if I did have to turn around and come home. I spent a while feeling sorry for myself until eventually my partner insisted we go for a walk. I knew that I would feel better for going out. I forced myself to go and we had a nice time.
I can be anxious about going too far from the car and so this walk was quite an achievement for me. We may have only been a mile from the car but it was still a success.
My partner then had to pop over to his mums to drop something off and so I was on my own for a couple of hours. I find being on my own difficult when I’m feeling like this as it means I have to confront my thoughts. I tackled them with a strong G&T and eventually my partner returned home.
It took a lot but eventually on Sunday I made myself get ready. I put on my make-up and got dressed. I couldn’t face the idea of going out but I was going to make myself. Unfortunately my family are not very understanding of mental health problems. After a few comments as to how lazy I was I gave up trying to go out and went back to bed. Depression isn’t laziness. It had taken every inch of my being to get myself ready to go out and just like that I was knocked back to square one. I threw stuff and I cried. I’m sick of feeling like this everyday. Forcing myself to get through each and every bad day to be rewarded with one good one every few weeks. Sometimes, I question whether its worth it but despite everything I have people to live for and that’s what gets me through.
Eventually I cried myself dry and my boyfriend was there for me for when I was ready to talk.
Im sorry that this isn’t my usual positive outlook but I promised I would be open and honest. Anxiety and depression brings with it bad days, even worse days and good days. Today was a really bad day. Now that I’m over the worst of it I can see that there will be a good day again soon. I’m worried because my depression seems to be getting worse. I’ve always thought it was just a side affect of my anxiety but I am beginning to question this. Fingers crossed to a good week!
The above account of Sunday was written on Sunday afternoon when I was still feeling really down. Normally during a down day I push myself to make an effort and to still go out. However, some days I recognise that I can’t push myself. Despite having a horrible Sunday I’m grateful for it as it has made me appreciate Monday more. I’ve had a wonderful day today. My partner had a doctor’s appointment mid-morning and so he booked the day off of work. He was finished earlier than we anticipated and so we decided to pop out for a walk. It’s blue skies and warm sunshine here in Kent and so we had a lovely walk. I even felt like I could sit outside a little cafe and share some chips. Fate had other plans. The chips weren’t gluten free and so we stuck to just having a drink.
Look out for a post about our trip to Lullingstone next week!
How was your weekend?