I haven’t blogged for a while now – this week has all been posts that I’ve had stashed away in my drafts.
I’m having one of those days where I just feel like a hinderance to everyone. I don’t feel like blogging but I’m hoping it will help me and I’d like to hear from anyone that’s been through this and come out the other side!
I’ll warn you now, this post is not very positive and I’m going to be very honest about how I feel. This is a very personal post but I’m staying true to my word and being honest on this blog.
I read a tweet the other day and it’s really stuck with me, it read:
‘I think one of the hardest things to explain when it comes to mental illness is that you don’t necessarily want to die but you also don’t want to be here anymore. It’s weird and confusing to feel, let alone to put into words.’
You can find the poster (or tweeter) of the tweet here.
There are not enough words in the world to explain to you how much I can relate to this post. I don’t want to die but I often sit and wonder what my purpose in life is? Do I even have one? If I didn’t exist then I’m sure it wouldn’t have a negative impact on anyone around me.
You may have noticed the absence of a weekend update or a week in outfits this week. Last week was incredibly difficult for me. Things at home were not good and so my partner and I stayed away all week. For someone who suffers from anxiety and depression being away from your home can be very unnerving. It resulted in me having a few huge panic attacks and just generally not feeling very well. It did, however give us a push towards getting our own place.
This afternoon I’ve been sat looking into help to buy schemes and delving deeper and deeper into the technicalities and it looks impossible. With me unable to work at the moment we could slowly save a decent deposit. However, with my partner’s income alone we could not secure a mortgage for a house where we live. My partner works in London and so we must be within a commutable distance, however this comes with a huge price tag. Deflated and upset I’ve been sat here thinking about how different things would be if I could work. We’d have double the income and our savings would double too.
I’m not quite sure what the answer is. Renting is out of the question as for anything less than £800 you’re looking at a house share. Having to share a bathroom and a kitchen with strangers when suffering from anxiety and emetophobia is a recipe for a breakdown.
This issue of where to live has only added to my feeling of being a hinderance. I may tidy up, clean, cook dinner and occasionally do some freelance writing but my life has no other purpose. I don’t contribute anything else.
Around this time last year I left a job that was making me incredibly unhappy and aggravating my anxiety. I look back and realise how strong I was. I took the half an hour train journey into London, changed at Waterloo and got two tubes to work. Now the idea of walking into town fills me with fear. Last year I may have been unhappy and anxious but at least it didn’t stop me from doing anything. At least I was financially contributing and had a purpose to my week. I feel like I’ve taken many steps backwards and cannot imagine myself ever re-entering that environment again.
I’m sorry that this posts lacks positivity and has no empowering message. I just wanted to express how I was feeling and offer a little explanation as to why blog posts may be sporadic in the coming days.
On a lighter note, does anyone have any questions (mental health related or not) they would like me to answer in a post?