An honest chat about mental health

I haven’t blogged for a while now – this week has all been posts that I’ve had stashed away in my drafts.

I’m having one of those days where I just feel like a hinderance to everyone. I don’t feel like blogging but I’m hoping it will help me and I’d like to hear from anyone that’s been through this and come out the other side!

I’ll warn you now, this post is not very positive and I’m going to be very honest about how I feel. This is a very personal post but I’m staying true to my word and being honest on this blog.

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I read a tweet the other day and it’s really stuck with me, it read:

‘I think one of the hardest things to explain when it comes to mental illness is that you don’t necessarily want to die but you also don’t want to be here anymore. It’s weird and confusing to feel, let alone to put into words.’

You can find the poster (or tweeter) of the tweet here.

There are not enough words in the world to explain to you how much I can relate to this post. I don’t want to die but I often sit and wonder what my purpose in life is? Do I even have one? If I didn’t exist then I’m sure it wouldn’t have a negative impact on anyone around me.

You may have noticed the absence of a weekend update or a week in outfits this week. Last week was incredibly difficult for me. Things at home were not good and so my partner and I stayed away all week. For someone who suffers from anxiety and depression being away from your home can be very unnerving. It resulted in me having a few huge panic attacks and just generally not feeling very well. It did, however give us a push towards getting our own place.

This afternoon I’ve been sat looking into help to buy schemes and delving deeper and deeper into the technicalities and it looks impossible. With me unable to work at the moment we could slowly save a decent deposit. However, with my partner’s income alone we could not secure a mortgage for a house where we live. My partner works in London and so we must be within a commutable distance, however this comes with a huge price tag. Deflated and upset I’ve been sat here thinking about how different things would be if I could work. We’d have double the income and our savings would double too.

I’m not quite sure what the answer is. Renting is out of the question as for anything less than £800 you’re looking at a house share. Having to share a bathroom and a kitchen with strangers when suffering from anxiety and emetophobia is a recipe for a breakdown.

This issue of where to live has only added to my feeling of being a hinderance. I may tidy up, clean, cook dinner and occasionally do some freelance writing but my life has no other purpose. I don’t contribute anything else.

Around this time last year I left a job that was making me incredibly unhappy and aggravating my anxiety. I look back and realise how strong I was. I took the half an hour train journey into London, changed at Waterloo and got two tubes to work. Now the idea of walking into town fills me with fear. Last year I may have been unhappy and anxious but at least it didn’t stop me from doing anything. At least I was financially contributing and had a purpose to my week. I feel like I’ve taken many steps backwards and cannot imagine myself ever re-entering that environment again.

I’m sorry that this posts lacks positivity and has no empowering message. I just wanted to express how I was feeling and offer a little explanation as to why blog posts may be sporadic in the coming days.

On a lighter note, does anyone have any questions (mental health related or not) they would like me to answer in a post?

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XOXO

51 thoughts on “An honest chat about mental health

  1. There is nothing to apologize for. As a sufferer of depression and anxiety I can completely relate. It is good to be honest. Things might not be the best, but you’re still here, and the world is better for it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We all have low times. When every thing overwhelms you stop thinking about it. Concentrate on very small things around you. Look at a flower or similar and wonder how it came about. Basically mindfulness. In a few days the depression normally passes. Life the universe and everything is to big to contemplate. I have several friends whom live in caravans. They have a great time. Property is not all your life is about.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I need to do some research into mindfulness, I know a lot of people really rely on it! Owning a property is one of my long-term goals, has been since I was a child so it’s a little disheartening but hopefully one day I can still achieve it!

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  3. Please know that there are always “down” days and there is a whole crew of us, all over the world, who get them. I’m often knocked down for weeks at a time with negative thoughts. And I’m in the same boat, not feeling like I matter or help out financially. Having a supportive partner is good. Thanks for being honest and open. It really does help. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I will be praying for you all the way from Texas, sweet lady. Thank you for sharing this post, there is nothing to be ashamed of. We all hit low places every once in a while. There are a few books I have read to help manifest the greater things in life: Wishes Fulfilled by Dr. Wayne Dyer, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I hope you get to feeling like yourself again, xo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. of course you arent a hinderance! You are one of the most important things in mine, your dads, and brothers life, the other most important thing is of course your brother lol … so yes you do matter. I am proud of you and completely understand all too well how you feel. You will get through this period and you have such a lot to look forward to even though you cant see it at the moment… Keep going darling Xxxxx

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    1. Hi Liz,
      I am sorry to here you are having such a tough week. It does happen to all of us, so you are not alone. You are very much needed and wanted and admired by many from what I read on your posts and comments. Working a job is not everything. Yes, we all need to support ourselves somehow. but any income is a blessing. I am certain your boy friend does not share your feelings of not having a purpose. For him I would bet you have a large purpose! I would suspect you are his purpose. Not just to provide an income. Focus on you and what you need to tackle from day to day and let God help to provide the balance. I came from a very poor family and we learned to live with very little. But, we always had food on the table and a roof over our heads. It was far from fancy or opulent but it was clean and well kept. That’s all anyone really ever needs day to day. Hang in there! There are many out here praying for you! You need to change your thinking around to, Look what I have accomplished today!
      Build your successes there and the rest will fall into place.
      We are all in your corner willing to fight with you!
      RJ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your lovely comment ☺️ It’s so nice to read everyone’s comments and to hear how everyone relates in one way or another. I hope we can all fight mental health together!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Sometimes being able to express it all and get it out can help in its own way as well – and I hope writing this post helped to relieve some of the pressure for you. It’s a really tricky situation to be in. I’m also completely stuck when it comes to getting my own place with it just being me and the more I look into it, the more it feels like something completely impossible. One day… I hope things start looking brighter for you soon and that you’re okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I found sitting down and writing about how I felt very helpful ☺️ It’s so frustrating isn’t it! It’s such a dream of mine to own my own property but it just seems like there’s so many hoops to jump through! Good luck with getting your own place xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Honestly, the most vulnerable posts are the ones that inspire others. It’s okay to be honest! You do have a purpose in this world because God created you for a reason. You matter. I also suffer from anxiety and I know that it can be difficult to be out in the world. I’ll keep you in my prayers.✨💗

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I really enjoyed reading this, there’s been so many times where being in an uncomfortable situation made me feel so much distress and made my anxiety and depression so much worse. It’s so important to remember to put yourself first x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Definitely put yourself first and recognise your own limits – it’s the key to getting yourself back on track! I hope you’re doing well xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve been struggling with depression off and on for several years. I went through a really bad 2 year period and then came out of it. Lately I’ve been feeling low again and I feel like I need to apologize to my husband. Sorry. It’s happening again. His attitude, unwittingly, tends to be, “aren’t we done with this now?” But, he keeps trying to be supportive and we are both growing in our understanding. It’s a journey. You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s difficult isn’t it when you feel guilty about how you’re feeling but whatever you do you just can’t change it. All we can ask is for others to try to understand ☺️ Thank you for your comment and thank you for sharing your story xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Definitely don’t apologise. It’s important to get your feelings out there – sometimes I find it helps me to put it into perspective. I relate to so much of this – the struggle to buy, and the needing to know your purpose, and that strange feeling of not wanting to die but not feeling like you’re living.
    I hope you feel better soon! 💜

    Rhianna x
    http://www.tsundokugirl.com

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I understand… the rollercoaster in life. We all are finding our purpose and sometimes feel a little lost but it is just a temporary setback. You will find your footing again. It is OK to feel down, we just need to find a way up when ready. When you lose the passion and can’t find the words, read other blogs to find the inspiration you need and allow that inner beauty and strength to be realised. We have your back and remember to take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment ☺️ it’s nice to blog and express how I’m feeling . It’s also comforting when others say ‘it’s okay to feel like that’ ☺️ xx

      Liked by 1 person

  12. your so strong to be able to share your story on here. your so inspiring 🙂 you should be proud of yourself of how far you have come.. try not to compare yourself to others or think about things that may you so anxious. keep your chin up my lovely xxx

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  13. I can completely relate and please don’t apologise for honesty. This is what we all need so we can better support each other. This time last year I felt like that. I didn’t want to die but I couldn’t see the point of living either. Medication has helped my anxiety and I am back in work. I find work for me to be a great distraction and even though in some ways it is more stressful as I have to juggle life more it gives me a sense of achievement and purpose. If you ever want to talk you can get me on Instagram ok xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ☺️ I’m glad you’ve managed to get yourself back on track and find work to be something positive within your life. It’s nice to hear someone having come through it xxx

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  14. Sorry you’re feeling this way! It’s important to focus on the little things you can do and celebrate when you manage to go a little beyond your comfort zone. I hope you choose somewhere to live soon, and your worth is way more than that! x

    Sophie

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you for putting this honest post out there! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this way, though. I totally relate to not feeling like blogging – sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t- just don’t pressure yourself into it or feel guilty about not posting. I dip in and out of blogging all the time and the great thing about the blogging community is how it grows and thrives so there’s likely to always be a community here waiting whenever you are feeling up to it! I totally relate to that tweet – thanks for sharing it! I recently discussed that feeling unintentionally on a second date and I have since learned there won’t be a third. Regardless of that, I’m going to continue to talk about that feeling because it’s something I feel almost every day and that is present in so many people. It is a large part of who I am as a person and so almost needs talking about to anyone that may a constant in my life. I hope it may be of a comfort to you to know that I was suffering panic attacks and was unable to leave the house this time last year but right now I’m doing okay. As well as this, over the last three months I’ve taken that feeling of not wanting to be here and realised it may be subjective. Where is ‘here?’ If i change my decor in my flat, or my regular coffee shop, move house, travel for a month I may want to be here…I hope that makes sense! Try exploring where ‘here’ really is to you. All the best for saving and lots of love – Amy x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your lovely comment ☺️ I’m blown away by how lovely the blogging community is! ❤️ I’m glad that your experience hasn’t put you off of talking about how your feeling – it’s their loss! Thank you for your advice, it’s so nice to know that someone has come through the other side! ❤️xx

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  16. I understand how you feel. Not wanting to be here but not wanting to die either. It’s a conundrum we deal with on an everyday basis. Keep up the fight. You matter very much!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Amen to that! If you’re interested you can follow my blog goddontmakejunk and commiserate with me there too! 😉

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  17. You inspire me just by talking and sharing, positive or not, even for me I don’t have anxiety like my kids have but there have been one or to occasions a panic attack the simplistic things seem to overwhelm me. Not my kids, just the everyday things. I think I spend more time worrying about things going good then dealing with things going bad, the hard stuff is easier because it has become something that is just there. Do things at your own pace that is all we can do sometimes.💗

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ☺️ I agree, doing things at our own pace is the best we can do! And sometimes we have to accept that some things are overwhelming and take a step back ❤️

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    1. I’ve done yoga before but haven’t tried meditation but a lot have people have recommended it so I’m going to look into it! Will also have a look at the app. Thank you for your recommendations ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Wow to be so honest and true about yourself is truly brave. I congratulate you for sharing. You do have a purpose, sharing yourself this way to others is a gift. Always believe in yourself and keep sharing. 👍😊

    Liked by 1 person

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