A weekly update and A week in outfits
(I’m going to need to come up with a catchy name for this post – any ideas please leave a comment below!)
As you’ll see from this post, most of the week is missing. As my work is picking up most days I’m sat at my desk in my comfiest clothes typing away. If I’m honest I’m struggling to find a balance right now. I have to complete every job I can get my hands on to make such a small amount but it’s nice to feel that I’m contributing towards our savings. Because of this it is likely that my blog will suffer and it breaks my heart to admit that. I love my blog and believe it is one of the things that has helped me improve on my anxiety. One of the changes I intend to make is to merge my week in outfit post with my weekend update post. I hope to write a diary-like entry for the week, including pictures of my outfits and what I’ve been up to. Anyway, enough of my chattering on, here’s what I wore last week.
Friday 29th March –
My week begins on a Friday – a little weird I know but bear with me. On Thursday night we did half of the drive up to Wales and stayed in a hotel half way. I didn’t sleep very well that night, worried about the prospect of the other half of the journey the following morning.
When I woke up I wanted to be comfortable and so I decided a dress would be perfect for sitting in a car for three hours. I put on my snake print dress from New Look with a pair of tights and my Barbour boots.
We arrived in Wales at around midday, had lunch and then popped out with my boyfriend’s family. It was quite chilly and so I changed into my green Topshop Joni jeans with ripped knees and a beige jumper from H&M – I didn’t get a picture, sorry! On the way back form our outing we stopped at a pub for a drink. I was incredibly proud of myself for having made the trip up to Wales, gone out for the afternoon and stopped for a drink. I had managed to do everything I wanted to that day and my anxiety didn’t stop me. It was a great feeling.
Saturday 30th April –
Today was by far the best day of the week. We decide to go out and explore a little today and despite the forecast arctic blast the weather was on our side. We popped to a couple of places in Wales – I’m going to do a post about it soon! Today was also a huge day for me as after our exploring we went in search of lunch. After unsuccessfully trying to find some gluten free chips to eat on the beach we came across a cafe selling jacket potatoes. We sat outside and ate some lunch. This was the first time I’ve eaten lunch in a cafe/restaurant since October. I wore this jumpsuit from Zara, it’s black with white stars all over it and it has pockets! It’s the comfiest outfit imaginable.
Sunday 31st April –
The arctic blast was finally beginning to set in today and it was freezing – not to mention windy. My anxiety was really bad today but I decided I wanted to try and get out anyway. We stopped on our way to a little town to take some pictures of a church overlooking the sea. It was freezing! We quickly got back into the car, breathing a sigh of relief that the heated seats hadn’t had a chance to cool down. We continued on to the little town and walked around a couple of shops but my anxiety got the better of me and we headed back. Despite giving into my anxiety we had a wonderful afternoon. After feasting on halloumi I settled down to read my book all afternoon, whilst my boyfriend watched football. I wore my snakeprint H&M flared trousers, with a black long sleeved top from New Look and my black denim jacket form Topshop.
Monday 1st April –
Most of Monday was spent driving home from Wales, we had a good run but it still took us around 6 hours. My anxiety kept creeping up on me throughout the journey but I successfully pushed it away. I even managed to sit in a service station and eat some lunch!
Tuesday 2nd April –
Tuesday was a hectic day full of unpacking and getting back into the swing of things. I did, however manage to squeeze in some time to make some cheesecake for an Easter post that I have planned – they were delicious. My anxiety was fine today, I was back in my own environment and in my element baking and ticking off things on my to-do list.
Wednesday 3rd April –
Wednesday was difficult. My freelance writing sort of is freelance writing but it also isn’t – I don’t want to go into it but just know that it’s horrible and I don’t enjoy doing it. However, I need the very little money that it brings in and so I continue to do it. I don’t think I’ve explained that very well! The work is beginning to pick up and so I spent the day working. I hadn’t really left the house this week and so my partner and I popped to Sainsbury’s after dinner to pick up a couple of bits and to get me out.
Thursday 4th April –
Finally, an outfit! Today was probably the worst day of the week. Well, to be specific it didn’t get bad until the evening. When I got up in the morning I made a tomato sauce for with dinner, making it early also meant that my little cousin could have some for her lunch, which saved my nan having to decide what to cook for her. This also explains why I have a blob of tomato sauce down my top – since I was only in working I didn’t see the point in changing it. I worked up until lunchtime, had some lunch and then went out for a walk. It was raining lightly but I needed to get out the house.
Once back from my walk my older cousin and I made some popcorn together – his little face lit up and he clapped each time it popped. Eventually he got bored and went to play in another room. I made myself a cup of tea while the popcorn cooled down and eventually brought a bowl in for him. The popcorn wasn’t gluten free so I grabbed some chocolate for myself. As I sat down next to him his attention was on my chocolate, not the popcorn. He asked if he could smell it. Now to put this into context for you, he’s three years old and has a cold. I broke him off a little square and told him he could have a piece rather than just smell it. Once we’d finished our snacks I went back to work.
Overall, the day wasn’t too bad. However, in the evening my boyfriend was working late and with nothing else to do I was sat watching the television. I was feeling quite down by this part of the day, I just didn’t feel good enough. To make matters worse I than received an email saying that the customer, of the work I had spent all of Thursday completing, was unhappy with the results and therefore I would not be paid. Anyone with mental health will know that when you’re feeling like you’re not good enough the last thing you need is confirmation. The familiar feelings sunk in, how am I going to continue making a living from this? In addition to that I questioned whether there is anything I’ll ever be good at. It was one of those moments where I just felt like I didn’t want to be here anymore. I knew the feeling would pass and so I just retreated back into my shell and waited. My partner helped once he got home, he put on some of my favourite trashy television and slowly we began to talk about the program and laugh.
Friday 5th April –
I woke up today still feeling rubbish. I edited the job that I had completed on Thursday. I feel almost numb today. I’ll work through it though, I always do. My approach to feeling better is to make plans. I’ve decided that perhaps I should make a doctors appointment and ask for some help with my mental health. Having previously asked for help and nothing happening I have very little faith but it’s worth another shot. I’m also considering applying for ESA so that I do not have to rely on this writing work to pay my bills as its so detrimental to my mental health right now. At 24 years old I feel like a huge failure and I cannot see any way of my future improving. I’m keeping my head down and getting through each day though because a small part of me is hopeful that somewhere out there there’s an answer to all of my problems.