It’s been a while since I wrote a general update on how I feel my mental health is. I thought I’d quickly check-in with you all and let you know how I’m doing – I’d also like it if you dropped a comment below and told me how you’re doing.
I have a lot of ups and downs with my anxiety, I tell myself that it’s all part of the journey – however it does worry me. Just when I feel like I’ve made progress I seem to go backwards again. I want to believe that it’s just making me stronger in the long run, however it’s exhausting and is chipping away at my morale. I think of things that I did months ago and don’t feel anywhere near able to do them again, but on the other hand I feel able to do things that I didn’t feel I was able to do months ago.
I really want to get some help for my anxiety as I feel like I’m in over my head now. Since Christmas I’ve been really trying to help myself but I feel like I’ve made little progress – perhaps I’m just being a little too critical of myself. The only problem is I know that the waiting list for help will be forever. My partner and I want to move out as soon as possible. I live with my grandparents and they babysit my little cousins a couple of days a week. In October I caught Norovirus from the children. I am terrified of catching another sickness bug from them and this is having a huge negative impact on my mental health as I’m living around my worst nightmare. I don’t feel safe at home which is a huge deal for me. I like to have somewhere to retreat to where I can have a rest from constantly fighting against my anxiety. Unfortunately my home no longer feels like this and so I feel as if I am constantly fighting with no end in sight.
When we move out I’m seeing it as a fresh start to tackle my anxiety in a safe environment – however it could be years before we successfully move out. I’m going to keep fighting because I have no other option, I just wish I could see the progress.
On a more positive note I know my depression has improved hugely. Most days I feel a lot happier in myself, although I do still have the odd bad day. My depression no longer feels so connected to my anxiety. Sometimes it hits me that I just feel like a burden to everyone – right now I have no purpose or direction in life, I’m just getting by. I feel somewhat pointless but I’m dealing with that. Blogging has helped me hugely. Being able to write my feelings down is very cathartic, in addition to this the blogging community is amazing. Everyone I have met has been so incredibly nice and supportive – it’s a great honour to feel a part of that community.
I need to find my place in life and I think that those days that I wake up with a black cloud over me will become easier to cope with. I do try to be positive, however some days I just don’t have the strength to fight and I let myself feel everything that I’ve been warding off. This can sometimes be quite helpful as I recognise the feelings and decide I don’t want to feel like it and so I make more of an effort in the following days.
I’m sleeping much better these days, unless there’s something on my mind, which is a huge improvement on how I was around Christmas time. I use to be so upset and annoyed at myself, I couldn’t sleep and I would have to put my earphones in and turn the volume up to the maximum to drown my thoughts out.
It’s nice looking back to see that I have made some progress. I still have a very long way to go though and I will keep sharing my journey with you.