I’m afraid this weekly update starts on Monday, I had a really rubbish weekend and didn’t particularly feel like writing about it. I was still upset over my previous doctor’s appointment (you can read about it here). Most of the weekend was spent with me feeling anxious and not wanting to push myself too much – I did however dye my hair purple.
It’s been an incredibly busy and anxiety provoking week, not one I want to repeat.
Monday 8th July –
I had my follow-up appointment at the doctors today, following my abysmal treatment the previous week (you can read about it here).I had considered not making too much of an effort for my appointment – there’s often the preconception that if you can get out of bed and do your make-up then there’s nothing wrong with you. However, for me my make-up is a defence barrier, something I can hide behind and I also enjoy doing it. I decided to make an effort on my appearance and also use that to make a point that no matter whether someone is sat opposite you with the biggest smile on their face – you have no idea what’s going on inside their head. I’m happy to say that I successfully got my point across.
I went for comfort today with both my trousers and cardigan from Topshop and a primark cropped top.
My mum came with me to the appointment. We had been informed that when we arrived we’d be sent in as waiting is one of the things that aggravates my anxiety. We arrived a little bit early and checked-in. Nobody came to get us but we thought fair enough we were early. My mum told the receptionist that we were there for a meeting with the head doctor and practice manager, however the receptionist told us that the doctor was busy with a patient. My anxiety was beginning to rear its ugly head and my heart was beating so incredibly fast in my chest. Anger was rising inside of me because I was having to go through all this because of the incompetence of their doctor the previous week. It got to eight minutes past our appointment time and I walked out, unable and unwilling to continue to put myself through it. My mum tried to stop me but I wasn’t having it, if their doctor had been properly trained I would have got the helped I needed the previous week.
I started walking home having left my mum at the doctors. I rung my boyfriend and was crying down the phone to him. It wasn’t until I got half way home I realised I had both my mum’s car keys and mobile in my bag – I had to go back. Now if you know me you will know that this just sums up my life. Anything that will go wrong does go wrong. I walked back to the surgery and my mum was stood outside with the practice manager. I tried to get away, made quite a fool of myself sobbing in the car park if I’m honest. Not that I really cared at the time, I made sure everyone heard me tell her that I shouldn’t have to be their because of their incompetent Doctor. It was perhaps not the most mature way of dealing with things but anxiety sends you a little crazy.
Eventually I was talked into going into the surgery and having a chat with them. My mum came with me as after the last appointment I will be ensuring I have a witness with me for all future encounters.
They asked me all about my history of mental health and then listened to my complaint. Although they couldn’t say anything outright I strongly suspect that they know just what that Doctor is like. They’re going to ensure that a full day’s mental health course is completed by all doctors at the surgery. I told them that whilst this was a really positive step I would be furthering my complaint as the Doctor’s reaction to my mental health problems suggested an entrenched negative view of mental illnesses, something that a day’s course will not undo. They understood that I would not risk someone else being spoken to in the way that I was.
I have a referral to the mental health nurse at the surgery and I will be having fortnightly appointments with the head Doctor until then. Personally, I felt not much came out of the appointment. The fortnightly appointments were presented as ‘building a relationship with the Doctor’ when in reality it’s to renew my sick note. The only positive thing is that I have a referral to the mental health nurse, however this is something that had been done by the Doctor I originally saw. Apparently she referred me after I walked out on the appointment, they tried to say that she did it to help me but I strongly believe it was just to cover her own back.
I will be taking my complaint higher and will not be silenced.
Tuesday 9th July –
Today I had a ‘wellness discovery session’ in the afternoon. I spent the morning catching up on a bit of work trying to ignore the inevitable anxiousness at the impending appointment. My nan came with me to the appointment, which I was incredibly grateful for as I think if I’d had to try and park there I would have ended up turning round and driving home!
If I’m honest the session was pointless. It was in regards to a course for anxiety and depression that I’ve referred myself to in September. However, unless I’ve made improvements by September I’m not sure if I’ll make it. I was in and out in ten minutes and basically just filled out a load of forms.
I then popped to the supermarket with my nan, which is something I’ve been unable to do for a while now.
*Apologies for the repeated outfits this week. The weather here is all over the place, one minute it’s a heat wave and then five minutes later we have torrential rain. Loose trousers seem to be the best approach! They also slightly feel like I’m wearing pyjamas which is an added bonus…
Wednesday 10th July –
I had another appointment today, which I was absolutely dreading. This one was the furthest one away and involved a 25 minute car journey. My mum drove me there and came with me, thankfully it was over relatively quickly. Mum suggested we had a little wander round the town once we were done but I didn’t particularly feel like it. The relief of having this week’s appointments over hadn’t set in and I was feeling physically and mentally exhausted from panicking for three consecutive days.
I went straight home where my grandparents were babysitting my cousins. Today they were the perfect distraction to how I was feeling. I read about eight books to my cousin and was rewarded with a cup of tea from my nan. By this point I had to steer my cousin away from books as I was beginning to lose my voice. My nan said they were planning on going for a walk, I was looking forward to having an hour of quiet time to get some stuff done. However, my little cousin suggested I go with them. I decided it was probably what I needed, it was unlikely I would get anything productive done in that hour anyway. We went for a little walk and played lots of hide and seek. I’m now hiding away writing this as a little break from the kids. They’re off home soon and I’m going to start cooking our dinner. I’m looking forward to enjoying a quiet evening with no appointments planned for tomorrow!
Thursday 11th July –
Today was my first day this week without any plans, I thought I’d feel quite happy about this, however instead I spent the day quite on edge. My cousins were round today so I went over to my parents to get some work done. I was suppose to be doing my tax return, however I’ve discovered that I now need to wait to receive another code through the post! Hopefully I can complete my tax return next week!
As some of you may know my mum’s a photographer and so she roped me into taking a few pictures. I looked absolutely horrific in every picture but it kept mum busy haha. I’ve popped a couple of the pictures below. If anyone is ever interested in having a look at my mum’s photography her Facebook page can be found here.
Friday 12th July –
Can you tell how much I love these trousers? I might have to see whether they do them in another colour. I enjoyed doing very little today and caught up on some blogging. Towards the afternoon I was getting a little bored and the day was dragging and so I decide to go to Tesco on my own to pick up some bits for dinner. If I didn’t go now I’d only have to go when I picked my boyfriend up. I was probably only in the supermarket for five minutes but I did it and drove myself there and back. It’s silly to say I was proud of myself but I was.
There was a beer festival at the cricket ground in town tonight and so we thought we would go and have a look at it. I’ve been to is once before, many years ago, and enjoyed it. However, this time it was quite a disappointment. We met my mum and dad there and instead of sticking around headed to a pub in town for a drink. I was feeling incredibly anxious and only made it a few sips through my coke before I had to leave. It felt a shame to have got ready to go out for such a short time and so my mum suggested we go back to theirs and go for a walk at the lavender field at the end of their road. We got some lovely pictures that I’m going to combine with a post discussing the benefits of lavender.
This is one week that I’m glad is over! How was your week?