It’s been a while now since I last checked-in with you all and told you about how I’m feeling with my mental health. Now seems like a good time to document how I’ve been feeling lately. To sum it up in one word I’ve felt frustrated. It’s dawned on me recently that my mental health has been spiralling out of control now since the end of October. It won’t be long until we reach the anniversary of when I caught Norovirus. I’ve been frustrated because if anything I feel in a worse place now than I did in the weeks following the event.
Recently I’ve reached out for help from professionals and I hope something will come from that. I’m reaching a point now where I feel like I’m just wasting my life waiting to get better. This year I hit 25, a quarter of a century and I feel as though I have very little to show for my time on this planet.
My panic attacks have improved, however I have a lot more general anxiety. I have improved in the sense that sometimes when I go out after a while the anxious feeling leaves me. On the other hand, I am more anxious about going out. On a number of occasions lately I question why I’m putting myself through this? Why am I forcing myself to have a panic and feel ill for the day just to pop into town? Perhaps it would be different if I had a purpose for going out, often it’s just to get out at the weekend. I’ve taken a step back and stopped forcing myself to do things for other people. I need to look out for myself right now and everyone around me has to respect that. Usually I would put myself out and put myself in situations I didn’t want to be to please others but I’m not doing that at the moment. I’m not risking harming my mental health for the benefit of someone else.
The one improvement since October is the depression. I have more happy days than sad days now. Sometimes I have a blip and I question what I’m doing and whether I have any purpose in life, thankfully those days are becoming rarer. I truly believe that blogging helped the depression side of my mental health troubles. It gave me a purpose, allowed me to express myself and most importantly it connected me with some truly amazing and supportive people. Blogging reminded me that I’m not alone on this journey, or in how I am feeling. There’s confidence in solidarity.
So to sum it up I’ve taken five steps forward and four steps back. I guess I should be grateful that in some aspects I have improved. I still feel like my life is on hold though. I’m frustrated because I’m ready to lead my life again and stop anxiety holding me back. Hopefully with the help of some mental health professions I can achieve this.
I’d love to hear from you all about how you’re coping.