You may have noticed that I took a little break from the blogging world last week. My only post was my weekly update (you can read it here). Unfortunately, the positivity from the end of last week did not carry on into this week. I’ve had a head cold, which later turned in to sinusitis. Now to most people this would mean they might feel a little under the weather and they take some tablets and get on with their day. When I get ill I can’t just get on with my day. I’m not sure whether this is something that comes hand in hand with anxiety and depression so let me know if you also struggle when ill.
*As always I just want to say that I’m sharing my experience for others to relate, not because I want any pity, etc…*
My Experience –
When I get ill my anxiety triples and I find myself spiralling into that deep hole of depression. I’m not sure why I get so bad, I always assume that it’s because my body and mind already work overtime with my anxiety and so when I’m hit with a cold everything just becomes too much to handle. In addition to this I suffer from Emetophobia (you can find out more about it here) and so there is often the additional worry that any illness will make me vomit.
I find head colds the worst. This week I’ve been unable to concentrate on anything. I can’t write, I can’t read and I don’t have the energy to go out. Because of this I don’t know what to do with myself. I end up just staying in bed and feeling sorry for myself. For anyone with anxiety and depression they will tell you that being left alone with your thoughts is quite possibly the worst outcome.
In addition to feeling ill this week has been particularly bad in regards to how other people have treated me. A family member decided to preach to me and tell me that I’m not getting better (with my mental health) because I’m not trying hard enough. Anyone who has or does suffer with their mental health knows that every day is and fight and so to be told you’re not fighting hard enough is horrible. I’ve felt incredibly sorry for myself and alone. My boyfriend has been amazing but when he’s out at work I’m left lying in bed with my thoughts.I try to distract myself but my mind is so foggy and my head hurts so much that nothing helps.
As many of you know I spend Wednesdays and Thursdays working at my parents. My brother is finally home from America and is making plans to move to university in the next few weeks. We had planned to pop out this week to get him some bits. However, on Tuesday my mum said they didn’t want to catch this from me and so would rather I didn’t come round. They ended up going out without me. I was already feeling rubbish and this tipped me over the edge. It was a trip that I had suggested and was really looking forward to but because I was ill I couldn’t go. Perhaps this sounds childish but my family know the importance of me trying to go out regularly and this was a trip I was really looking forward to.
Why head colds are the worst –
When I’m sat in with my thoughts I think about how I don’t have a life. I’m trapped by my anxiety. My depression has been at its worst this week. I want nothing more than to just disappear from existence. I know I won’t act on these thoughts but it doesn’t make it any easier. To everyone it just looks like I have a cold, however underneath it I’m really struggling.
I’m happy to say that as I sit editing this on Wednesday I’m beginning to feel a little better. I’m still finding it difficult to concentrate and write but I’m managing little bursts, which seems to be keeping the depression at bay today. It’s times like this where people really don’t understand the extent to which mental health problems can affect you. I’ve had such a knock back this week and felt so incredibly depressed all because of a silly little common cold.
How do you cope when you’re ill and you’re in a bad place with your mental health?