I would like to apologise in advance for how long this post is! We went up to Wales this weekend, however I knew we were not going to be doing much and so I thought I would include it in my weekly update. I’ve struggled a lot this week with stress and it’s had a negative impact on my anxiety. You’ll see how I’ve struggled in different ways throughout the week but as I sit and write this on Sunday evening I can honestly say that I am exhausted from all the emotions.
I would recommend grabbing a cup of tea before reading through this post!
You deserve a gold star if you make it to the end (without falling asleep).
Monday 7th October –
I’m still struggling this week with the impending move and not being able to do anything towards it yet. I finished off some painting on our coffee table, although I’m not happy with it and think I’ll have to give it another coat.
We had plans to go out this evening to some shops and so I didn’t put too much pressure on myself during the day. All day I was looking forward to going out, however as I sat waiting for my boyfriend to get off the train I felt the anxiety flare up inside of me. He asked whether I wanted to not bother going out tonight but I insisted we still try, I had been looking forward to it all day.
I was fine on the drive, however when we got there the anxiety hit me again. I refused to give into it and tried to distract myself by looking round some shops. Thankfully my technique worked. We went to get some homey bits, however there was nothing we liked.
It was still a really nice evening out and I’m glad I pushed myself.
Tuesday 8th October –
I slept terribly last night. My appointment with the mental health nurse tomorrow is playing on my mind. I kept waking up throughout the night and couldn’t get back to sleep for ages.
I had planned to go over to my parents to paint some furniture. I called my mum up yesterday to double check they had a roller and she assured me they did. However, when I got round I discovered they only had the sponge part of the roller – no tray or handle. I ended up having to take the furniture home to paint.
I was in a really bad mood all day today and am feeling incredibly stressed about our impending move. I know that I’m also getting more and more worked up about my appointment tomorrow – I’m anxious but I’m also annoyed at myself for feeling anxious. My previous appointment went so well and I know that I have nothing to worry about, despite all this I just cannot shake the anxiety.
Today has just been a whole lot of stress.
Wednesday 9th October –
It was my second appointment with the mental health nurse today and I woke up feeling quite anxious about it. I’m not sure why as the last appointment was such a positive experience. I decided to distract myself in the morning by begining the process of varnishing some of our furniture. It kept me busy and just gave me enough time to shower and get ready for my appointment.
I get super stressed out about the little things when I’m anxious and so choosing an outfit proved to be very difficult. I’m not really a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, however I felt like it was the most appropriate outfit to this appointment. I didn’t particularly like my outfit but I knew that if I kept changing I would only add to my stresses.
Eventually the time for my appointment rolled around and by this point I was feeling incredibly anxious. My nan had agreed to drive me there, however this time I told her that once I had gone into the appointment she could go home. My last appointment lasted an hour and so I didn’t want her waiting again.
As I got there I was met by a lovely student nurse who informed me that the surgery was shut and she had been waiting for me so that she could let me in. This was the perfect scenario for me as I absolutely hate waiting to go into an appointment. The student nurse asked if it would be okay to sit in on the appointment and I agreed – you might have noticed that I don’t mind who I speak to about my problems!
I had a chat with the nurse and she gave me lots of information to take home and look at. I’m going to have a look through it all and I might share some ideas with you all. Overall the appointment went well, I was somewhat disappointed that the majority of it was just the nurse handing me paperwork. Hopefully the paperwork will prove to be invaluable. I was asked if I would like another appointment and I said yes. The anxiety that I felt before the appointment tells me that I could do with meeting the nurse again.
I then did another brave thing and walked home on my own. It was only a fifteen minute walk but it was outside of my comfort zone – usually when I go for a walk I only go around the block a couple of times in case I have a panic.
Thursday 10th October –
The theme of stress this week has continued. I thought I would be able to touch up some chairs today and then varnish them, however on inspection they needed another coat of paint. I really could have done without this today, however I had to just get on with it and get painting.
We’re off to Wales in the early hours of tomorrow morning so I’ve also been packing and getting ready for the journey. I’m stressed as we complete on the flat on Monday and I have so much to do still! The flat needs a complete repaint and clean so I know I will have to devote my time to that over the next couple of weeks. My problem is that I want everything perfect and ready to move straight in, however I’m quickly realising that it’s not realistic!
Friday 11th October –
We’re up in Wales again this weekend, I thought I would just tag it onto this weekly update as I know I won’t be getting up to much. We always come up at this time of year as my boyfriend plays golf in memory of his Grandad.
I’ve been incredibly stressed lately with the impending move and so I think a weekend away from everything will help before the craziness begins.
We woke up at 4am ready to drive up. My anxiety is never good with lack of sleep and so I was already worrying about how I would cope. The journey took us just under 6 hours and it was probably my worst journey up with my anxiety. I really struggled with it and it left me feeling quite ill. Somehow I got myself through it, it was tough though. On more than a few occasions I wanted to just cry with sheer panic and fright at being in the middle of nowhere without anywhere ‘safe’ to retreat to. I can honestly say that I felt so relieved to arrive.
The first thing we did when we arrived was to try and have a little sleep. Spending an hour just relaxing and dozing seemed to really help me. I got up and had some lunch and waited to see how it affected my stomach. Thankfully I was okay and so we decided to pop out for a couple of hours. It was nice to have a little walk around the shops and enjoy being out and about. I picked up some gorgeous salt and pepper shakers and a throw for our sofa. The stress of completing on Monday is ebbing away and the excitement is starting to kick in. Despite the anxiety of the journey I think this weekend is exactly what I needed.
Saturday 12th October –
You may find my next statement a bit shocking but stay with me! Today I relaxed!!! My boyfriend was off playing golf and so I decided not to make any plans and just spend the day doing nothing. If I were at home I would be running around doing things, however being up in Wales means there’s very little that I can do and so I made the most of it. I watched some TV, caught up on the blogging world and just had a little chat with my boyfriend’s family – it was great!
Once my boyfriend had finished playing golf they went for a drink at the club and so we decided to go down and meet them. I was a little anxious as this was outside of my comfort zone, however it was something I really wanted to do. We got there and I was a little on edge but I knew that if I felt too bad I only had to speak up and I could leave. I decided against ordering an alcoholic drink as the last time we came up I had a drink and then felt rather anxious that evening.
After about 10 minutes my anxiety was quite bad but I knew that if I just pushed myself a little bit more it would most likely start to ease. I was right, it did ease and I was able to focus on the moment and enjoy doing something a little different.
After the drink we came back, had pizza and watched Strictly Come Dancing. As I’ve mentioned before I’m struggling with October as it’s the anniversary of me catching the norovirus (you can read about my phobia here). I felt my anxiety creep in on a number of occasions but I successfully managed to push it away and enjoy the evening. Overall I had a lovely day. It may sound like I was rather anxious, however I felt I coped well as I was out of my comfort zone. I’m feeling quite positive tonight as I sit and write this, however I am scared about the journey home.
Sunday 13th October –
I was super anxious about the journey home today. I eventually got to sleep at around 2am as it had been playing on my mind. Thankfully, we had decided to take a different approach to the journey home this time. Usually we get up early and aim to leave by 9am, however this time we decided we were in no rush and so we didn’t bother setting an alarm.
I think our laid back approach to the journey really helped. We slept in until 9, meaning that I had a good night’s sleep, which meant that confronting my anxiety was that bit easier. Slowly we got ready and had some breakfast (a biscuit for me) before eventually leaving at 11am.
I’m now sat in bed writing this and it would be so simple to tell you that I made it home and everything was okay. However, the truth was that I really struggled. My stomach was feeling a bit iffy, which then fed into my anxiety. Because of this I put off eating any lunch and made myself feel really ill. As a sufferer from emetophobia any sign of stomach discomfort immediately puts your anxiety on high alert. I spent the majority of the drive feeling quite sick and had stomach pains due to being hungry and anxious. We eventually stopped and I decided to order some food and see how much of it I could eat.
I forced myself to eat, however it bloated me even more and made me feel even worse for a while. To make matters worse the traffic was terrible and so we were sent off on a diversion. In hindsight, considering how I was feeling and the fact that I was further out of my comfort zone on a route that I didn’t know, my anxiety was quite manageable. Towards the end of the journey I began to relax as I recognised the signs that we were getting closer and closer to home.
I wouldn’t say it was one of my worst anxiety attacks, nor my worst journey, however I did struggle. The problem with the journey to Wales is the sheer length of it. The journey home was 6 and a half hours and I suspect I spent about 5 of those hours anxious. I feel exhausted tonight but I’m proud of myself for getting through it and holding myself together.
The anxiety may have been bad but I would do it all over again for such a lovely break. I’m trying to focus on the positives and not let the bad times influence how I live my life.
Sorry for such a long post this week!
How has your week been?