You may have noticed that I’ve been a little absent on my blog lately. I tried to keep up with Blogtober but found I was falling behind answering your comments and reading other’s blogs. As I felt my mental health begin to spiral out of control I knew I needed to take a break from certain things in my life. My list of things to do was endless and so unfortunately blogging had to be the thing to go for a little while. I took a break from my blog and told you all that I would be back soon. I’ve been trying to write some pieces in my drafts during this break so that I can explain to you all what’s been going on with me and my mental health.
After taking a step back and looking at my life I realised change is the most likely trigger for this decline in my mental health. Although, it is not just change but also the stress and uncertainness that accompany change.
What changes have been going on?
I suppose from my above words you may have thought that everything in my life has changed, however it is only one thing that has changed – where I’m living.
For those of you that have been reading my blog for a while now you will know that I have been living with my grandparents. My grandparents babysit my cousins for a few days each week and this was where I caught norovirus. Ever since then my mental health has been a mess and I have been terrified that I’m going to catch another sickness bug from them. Because of this my partner and I spent the start of this year doing everything we could to find a way to get our own place and get me out of this situation.
If you read my post ‘We bought a flat!’ you will know that mid-October we completed on our own place. This is where change began and the stress of it all started impacting on my mental health.
The Flat –
As some of you may know the flat was in a much worse condition than we had been lead to believe. Because of this I have spent weeks on end trying to clean and decorate the place. I became so fixated on completing the task so that we could move in. I’m sat writing this on 5th November and in the last month I have only been out a handful of times. This has greatly contributed towards the decline in my mental health. Where I haven’t been out much the idea of just popping to the shops seems like a momentous event. This in-turn leads me to feel angry at myself. I’m 25, why can’t I just pop to the supermarket to buy a loaf of bread? I try to be positive but some days it feels as though this will be my life forever and I just have to get on with it and accept it. I don’t want to accept it though. I’ve experienced life with little anxiety and I want that life back.
The wait for CBT seems endless and there’s very little support for me in the meantime. I feel as though I am just coasting through life, wasting each day until I can finally get some help and attempt to piece my life back together.
Moving in –
I’m sitting the flat adding to this post on 18th November. We finally moved in on 16th November, just over a month since we completed. I have found the last few days quite difficult as I adjust to a completely new way of life. I’ve gone from a very busy house to being alone during the day while my boyfriend is at work. I think I’m enjoying it, I just have to get use to it.
There’s lots of extra pressures now, keeping the house up, continuing renovations and I must now spend every waking hour looking for freelance writing gigs to pay the bills. I’m stressed but I think it’s nice to have worries other than my mental health.
I’m exciting to find a routine for myself and I want to try and use this change to turn my life around. Prior to this move my life has been rather static for many years now and I’m looking forward to changing that.
I suppose it’s to be expected that the stress of such an upheaval in life will have a negative impact on me. It saddens me though that what should be such an exciting time of my life has ben stolen by my mental health.
Please bear with me over the next month or so as I adjust to my new life. I would love to hear your own experiences of moving out and how you coped.